I have a mood disorder

It was supposed to be some flowers

My doodles are never just doodles. 

It began with a few swirls, some lines to look like flowers & vines. Then, I saw a face emerge. There she was, my Frazzled Hag, my anxiety. A self portrait of sorts!

Not all anxiety is the same. I'm not that jumpy, frightened rodent, fearful of her own shadow. I'm not even the hand-wringing, worrier type. I appear quite calm, sedate even, most of the time. All of my anxiety is deep, deep inside my gut. Am I good enough? Am I acting right? Should I not have said that? Am I talking too much? or not enough? Smile, nod, laugh, repeat...

Frazzled Hag

Who knew just feeling okay could take so much work? 

I was diagnosed with Dysthymia years ago, in my late 20's. I am a low mood person. This is just the way that I am. I suffer from anxiety & depression & really low self-esteem. This makes functioning like a person, difficult. I feel like I don't know how to act most of the time. I try to do the best I can to fit in. I try to follow along & do as everyone else seems to be doing. Yet I feel a bit like my Frazzled Hag looks much of the time.

I keep falling off the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy truck. The maintenance just feels so hokey. I tend to should all over myself while stammering through the exercises. I should know better... I've done this before... Ugh! Why won't it just stay away & leave me alone! I really have no reason to hate myself as much as I do. Redundant. I am redundant.

Why am I so mean to myself?

Par for the course, I suppose... I'll move on, I always do... But these rough spots really suck.

Thank you for reading my babble!
-Jen :)

Figuring it out

Freeform Doodle

As the kids get older, I'm slowly able to sneak more time to work on my artsy stuff, including this incredibly neglected blog. This also means I need to figure out what I'm gonna do when they grow up. Like, really do. I hate to say 'work' or 'career' because I don't want to poison my creative sprit in that way, but I'm really gonna need to convert my hobbies into something that has some monetary value.

Jewelry Hobby

Soft book I designed & stitched
Pattern at Spoonflower

Wiggly Flower

Abstract Drip

I am aware that everything is about choices. And that's just it... too many choices! My biggest problem is focus. I'm drawn in so many directions. I love to paint, draw, bead & even sew, but there aren't enough hours in the day or days in the week, blah, blah, blah.

I even get caught up in applying my designs to products on sites like zazzle, society6 & spoonflower, because I just can't shake my graphic design roots. Plus, it's just really cool to see my own art printed on stuff without having to do formal sourcing like the olden days. And that's huge!

And second to focus, is networking, I have a real hard time wrapping my head around the whole networking process. The world barely knows I exist and it's all my fault! I do have a facebook page and an instagram account too! I'm just so clunky & haphazard I fail to use them to their full potential. I really don't know where to begin or what my priorities should be! HA! I'm a mess!!!

So here I am, stumbling along, trying to figure out my next move.
Wish me luck! Leave a comment if you can relate, or if you been here in any way & got past this, I'd love to hear from you!

Thanks for reading my babble!
Jen

Real Artists Use Paint

The Heart - 1997 - Acrylic
My first intuitive painting.

I've always wanted to be a real artist.

I've always envied the painters.

I've dabbled a little but have always backed away from it quickly regardless of my feelings about the process. When I've enjoyed it, I also found it too overwhelming & emotional, so I quit. When I've been frustrated by it, I quit. When I've liked what I've done but feared messing it up, I've quit.

I always blame the paint. I don't know how to use it. I'm impatient. I keep making mud. It's so expensive!!! I don't want to waste my paint on bad paintings. I have a fear of paint. If I can't be a painter, I can't be an artist. I'll never be a real artist!
Oh, woe is me…

Then a friend shared a link to a site offering an online painting class.
http://braveintuitiveyou.com The Bloom True e-course with Flora Bowly.

My friend had already signed up. I checked it out & the price seemed reasonable so I signed up too. I had nothing to lose. It might be fun. I have a bunch of paint already. But, it was the philosophy behind Flora Bowly's creative process that really got me.

Intuitive painting. 

She doesn't sweat out planning her paintings, she paints until… it happens! Until she feels her images emerge… the paintings paint themselves!
Of course! (How did this not occur to me on my own?)

I have been an intuitive artist all along but I managed to diminish it by calling it doodling or babble. And I may have well just called it crap (and I have).

It's not the paint!

Paint does not make art, Art!
The process does... the meaning, the feelings, the self, the message, the communication does!

We are in our final week of class this week. I don't want it to end because the daily postings are what have been motivating me to keep painting over the last 5 weeks. I have to say, this is a 5 star class.
It has been a confidence booster for sure. My fear of paint has diminished quite a bit. I'm able to play & focus now. I can take myself seriously as an artist. And I'm starting to see the value of my own work… even if most of it is not in paint.

Thank you, Flora! There are no words that can fully express my gratitude for you & your class. Thank you hardly seems strong enough. In addition to my struggles as an artist, you have helped me as a person. And now I have flood of cliche things floating through my head to express but I'll save anyone from having to endure that mess… Again, Thank you, is the best I can do. Flora, You're great!

Thank you for stopping by to read my babble.