Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I have a mood disorder

It was supposed to be some flowers

My doodles are never just doodles. 

It began with a few swirls, some lines to look like flowers & vines. Then, I saw a face emerge. There she was, my Frazzled Hag, my anxiety. A self portrait of sorts!

Not all anxiety is the same. I'm not that jumpy, frightened rodent, fearful of her own shadow. I'm not even the hand-wringing, worrier type. I appear quite calm, sedate even, most of the time. All of my anxiety is deep, deep inside my gut. Am I good enough? Am I acting right? Should I not have said that? Am I talking too much? or not enough? Smile, nod, laugh, repeat...

Frazzled Hag

Who knew just feeling okay could take so much work? 

I was diagnosed with Dysthymia years ago, in my late 20's. I am a low mood person. This is just the way that I am. I suffer from anxiety & depression & really low self-esteem. This makes functioning like a person, difficult. I feel like I don't know how to act most of the time. I try to do the best I can to fit in. I try to follow along & do as everyone else seems to be doing. Yet I feel a bit like my Frazzled Hag looks much of the time.

I keep falling off the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy truck. The maintenance just feels so hokey. I tend to should all over myself while stammering through the exercises. I should know better... I've done this before... Ugh! Why won't it just stay away & leave me alone! I really have no reason to hate myself as much as I do. Redundant. I am redundant.

Why am I so mean to myself?

Par for the course, I suppose... I'll move on, I always do... But these rough spots really suck.

Thank you for reading my babble!
-Jen :)